The story we didn’t want to write

We usually stick to the most positive or fun surfing news in our weekly roundup that comes out on Thursdays. Which is why today, instead of tomorrow, I need to talk about a piece of news that shook me to my core.

As I was doing my research for this week’s surfing news roundup, I came across a story that was published in Cal Coastal News, an online outlet for San Luis Obispo and environs.

It boiled down to this: a male paddleboarder has been charged with the attempted murder of a female surfer.

I have read and re-read this article three times. As luck would have it, I found it only two hours after it got published, so no other surf media outlets had picked it up. Needless to say, I was really hoping this was fake news. As I am writing this, I’m still hoping it’s fake news, as I can’t get a hold of the Public Information Officer at the SLO Sheriff’s Office until tomorrow morning to verify it. The reporter, Karen Velie, has been sued for defamation in the past—so maybe, perhaps, this story has also been exaggerated. You never know with the internet these days.

According to Cal Coastal News (and according to State Parks, as mentioned in the article), a male paddleboarder attacked a female surfer when she dropped in on him in a small, two-wave swell. He, I quote, “ran her over, screamed at her, beat her with his paddle, jumped on her board, grabbed her by the hair, and shoved her under water, another surfer said.” The police arrested the 59-year-old paddleboarder on felony charges of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon, and misdemeanor charges of assault and battery.

What surfers told me

I hope we all agree that this description of the incident should have us all shook up. Apparently not.

And at this point, it no longer matters whether this story is true, half-true, or not true at all—because the responses I’ve seen speak volumes about surf culture either way. If this happened, it’s horrifying. If it didn’t, the fact that—but wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

In my bid to authenticate the events, I turned to Reddit. It went something like this: Can someone tell me this is fake news, please? Paddleboarder charged with attempted murder of a surfer (story was published two hours ago) plus a description of the event.

Wait, just so you don’t think I was fishing for sensational material—I should’ve prefaced this bit with: I wasn’t looking for what I found out. Or perhaps I found out what I wasn’t looking for. I just needed someone to tell me they were there at the time of the incident, that that’s not what went down, and that I shouldn’t believe everything I read, so I can sleep at night.

Instead, I learned that
a) why would I find this unbelievable,
b) shit like this happens all the time, and
c) move along, these are not the droids you’re looking for.

What pissed me off

Guys. I am not naïve. I’ve been at this for close to 20 years. OK, so I’ve been awfully lucky not to be on the receiving end of surf aggro, but I’ve heard a lot of stories. And those five years I spent at uni studying human behavior, social norms, group dynamics (blah blah, sociology) should prevent me from being surprised that cultural change is bloody hard.

What surprised me—wait, let me rewind—what pissed me off enough to write this episode, was the apathy. The quiet resignation that this, in fact, is the fact of surfing life. Move along, nothing to see here… And this wasn’t reserved to Reddit only either.

You see, I’ve always known that there are four types of surfers:

1. Male surfers who hate women in the lineup.
2. Female surfers who hate women in the lineup.
3. Male and female surfers who hate beginners in the lineup.
4. And—mentally stable surfers.

I used “mentally stable” here on purpose. Why? Because mentally stable means a person who can think clearly and rationally, can manage emotions appropriately, and can cope with everyday stress—and the fact that waves are a scarce resource, you can’t control the ocean, and surfing is nothing like anything else in this world.

I can only hope that the fourth, mentally stable, kind of surfer will finally win out in the lineup. Needless to say, I don’t want this story to be true. But I’m not holding my breath—for either.

Final lesson: If you don’t want to hear shit like “I can’t wait for the day I am in the lineup and I see some dude hit a chick,” do not go on Reddit.

Update: Looks like it’s real

Just in. It looks like at least a part of the story is true as it’s now been covered by the San Luis Obispo Tribune (this is a new updated story with more details confirmed). Also, I’ve checked the jail records. Did you know you can do it online? Yeah, me neither.

Now also covered by: The Inertia, Beachgrit and of course, Surfer Mag.