Hey Zuz, I am confused: Am I too needy?

The topic of surf buddies re-surfaces. Though I believe this reader’s dilemma has more to do with self-worth—something so close to all our hearts.

‍ Hey Zuz, I’m confused

I saw a post in your column about a surf buddy being a bit of a shit. Normally, I wouldn’t ask. I’m less worried because it’s anonymous, right? I surf with this gal. We have the same level of experience. At least that’s how I think about it. You know, she never cheers me on. Never, ever. I always woot and hoot, and tell her how well she did. I get nothing in return. Am I too needy?

I just want someone to tell me I’m doing okay, you know, that I’m progressing. I know I have a lot to learn. I don’t really need praise, but I would welcome some encouragement, especially from a person that I surf with regularly. Please don’t tell me that it’s in my head. I have been questioning it myself.

Dear reader!

Disclaimer first. I didn’t study psychology for 5 years. I studied sociology. Better science… or perhaps it’s art rather than science? Anywho. I am more of an expert on how people interact, culture and social change (God, I’ve been waiting for a good one for a while now) than the very ins and outs of the human psyche. Having said that, I can tell you, for a fact, that human beings’ need for acceptance, belonging and support is paramount. The way you’re feeling is only natural.

A little praise can be a massive mood boost—and even help you progress faster. Why not want that?! I posted a picture of myself recently riding a wave like a proper surfer. That was in Hawai’i where I am an ok surfer versus Venice, LA where I am a shit surfer. One of the girls commented that I look badass. Wow. It stopped me in my tracks. I always wanted to be a total badass! And here, finally, I was a badass. I then posted the same photo on LinkedIn and learnt from my former co-workers that apparently, I’ve always been pretty badass. So you see, perhaps, I too, very consciously was looking for acknowledgement that I can do stuff.

Now. If your surf buddy’s only personality fault is not being your cheerleader in the surf, there’s a possibility that’s all what it is: their personality. Take it from someone raised by parents who didn’t believe in praise. They figured I should just assume I was doing well. Perfectly fine parentals otherwise.

What I am trying to say is: don’t be too hard on your surf buddy until you know for sure they’re a bit of a shit in other departments too. It may have never even crossed their mind that it’s polite to reciprocate and give you a little boost.

If your relationship is close enough, you may even want to try to coerce some feedback:

“Hey did you see me on that last wave? I feel like I’m improving, don’t you think? I’m doing better, right? You saw it! From last time, it’s definitely getting there, don’t you think?!”

Okay, maybe that’s a tad needy. But you see where I’m coming from.

Also, keep a little surf log or journal. Write down every time you felt proud, or every tiny win. Then you’ll know for sure you’re progressing — and no one can take that away from you.

Author: The Wipeout Weekly team